Pre-Marital Counseling: Questions to Ask Before Saying "I Do"

Pre-Marital therapy has been found to help married couples seek help sooner during times of strife, to help maintain and improve their relationship.  Marriage is a big decision for most of us, so why not go into it having had a thorough conversation about the future and with coping skills to manage future communications and disagreements?  Below are a few questions you might ask yourself and/or your future spouse:

1. Why are you getting married?  How do you envision your marriage to be?  What is important to you in a marriage?
2. What is important to you in a partner?  Does your partner embody these qualities?
3. Do you trust your partner?
4. How were conflicts resolved in your family of origin?  Have you encountered any issues with conflicts thus far in your relationship and how have you handled them?  How do you plan to resolve conflicts in your marriage?
   
5. What do you need from your partner in order to feel loved?
6. How involved do you envision your extended family/in-laws/social circle in your new married life?
7. Do you want children?  If so, how many and when do you think you will start a family?
8. Do you agree on how you raise/discipline/school your future children?
9. If there are children from previous relationships, how will you handle their care and discipline?
10. How do you envision your career choices/goals/education being affected, if it all, by your marriage and family planning?
11. What roles will you assume or share with your partner regarding raising the children?
12. How do you plan to nurture your relationship now and when/if children enter the picture?
13. Are there any financial issues or debts that you bring to this relationship?  How will you handle those?
14. What role(s) will you assume or share with your partner regarding the finances?
15. What role(s) will you assume or share with your partner regarding the care of your home?
16. Where do you see yourselves in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years?  Goals, lifestyle, family
17. Do you share the same spiritual beliefs?  If so, how involved do you expect to be in your faith?  If not, how will you handle holidays and spiritual teachings with your children/extended family?
18. Do you need alone time/time with friends?  Can you abide your partner needing alone time/time with friends?
19. Is sexual intimacy important to you?  What are your expectations for sexual intimacy and frequency?  What do you define as infidelity?
20. Will you be willing to attend marriage counseling to work on your relationship, if you encounter issues you cannot resolve yourselves?

A thorough assessment, such as the Gottman Relationship Checkup, initiated by a counseling professional, will help a couple to learn their strengths and challenges, and pinpoint areas to work on.  Additionally, a couples therapist can help model and facilitate healthy conversations and provide a forum for future spouses to learn effective evidenced-based ways to communicate with each other, even when things get tense, because even in healthy happy marriages, disagreements happen.  Go into this next chapter in your life as prepared as you can be.  I wish all of you the best in your future!

If you are thinking about pre-marital therapy, reach out to me for a complimentary 20 minute virtual or phone conversation.

References:

Williamson, H. C., Hammett, J. F., Ross, J. M., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2018). Premarital education and later relationship help-seeking. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(2), 276–281. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000383

Perry, S. E., (2020). Pre-Marriage Questions and Summary. Grand Canyon University: MFT-621.

Visit my Psychology Today profile to find out more about me and how to contact me.

--Suzanne Perry is registered with the California Board of Behavioral Sciences as an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (132904) and Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (11290).  She currently practices at Edelman Counseling in Westlake Village, under the supervision of Marina Edelman, LMFT (51009).